我要表达故我在

只所以说“要”，因为自6月搬到北京生活以来，一直处于shocked的状态——被自己的际遇shocked（几乎“心想事成”），被崭新的工作shocked,虽说也算职场“老油条”也是自己曾从事的行业，但相关工作经力中断过，单位总部的方式还是跟地方有很大差异。

总得说来，我一方面在挤公交的1.5小时，思绪纷繁；另一方面，极度工具化、数据化的工作让我无法分神梳理内心。所以思绪越来越杂乱，却找不到出口，更没有什么表达的欲望，几乎可以说丧失的表达力。

但时间长了，这种状态肯定不行。村上说啦，有入口就有出口。在对自我进行技术治理方面，我是越走越远。所以，从纯技术层面，完全丧失表达欲的人生应该是不怎么自然，或者会通过潜意识、无意识转移到工作或其他方面也未可知。真要如此，就恐怖了——我恐惧的是那陷入无意识的”自动驾驶“状态，完全脱离意识的控制，不知道会发生什么。村上春树说他写小说有个目的（大意）：通过将心底无意识的黑暗或者非理性的东西以故事的方式显性出来，从而达到让其放在日光之下，消散掉其亘古绵长的黑暗力量。

不过我连自己有没有黑暗力量都不知道——大概率不怎么有，大部分时候闷闷的躺平，看书不过消遣，因为更耗费能量的比如逛街、交友、聊天都很累哎。

正是想跟这种不断要在烂泥堆里躺平的下沉趋势对抗，我用残存的一点理智和力气，试着给自己换了一个环境，换了一个城市，甚至换了一个身份,如果从工作、朋友、社会关系来说的身份。

但是，妈哎，还不到4个月，已经累地够呛。第一次通勤时间查超过3小时，第一次在领导面前哭，好几个的通宵，好几次加班到回家的唯一目的就是给猫咪铲屎换粮，洗个澡，再去上班……这样，人越来越闷了，心神似乎并未因为新环境而焕然一新而是有点涣散。这种状态怎么讲呢？工作固然勤奋，兢兢业业，甚至也会焦虑；但另一方面，感觉心中某些部分涣散了。简单说，明面上，人不是那么地专注。

不专注，什么事情都得过且过。这是我最鄙夷、最厌恶地状态。

从外部因素说，这几个月豆瓣审查越来越严，发不出删锁帖更是搞地心灰意冷。前段时间，评论被关，我真感觉豆瓣不行了，要备份——写地文字无所谓，相册不多也觉得很想留下。后来就在QQ空间重新启用了相册。

从博客、微博、微信、豆瓣、朋友圈，有价值的东西不多，最重要的还是利用这些平台，自我治理。虽然，也抱怨被牵扯了注意力，但是也是没有办法的事情吧。有入口就要有出口嘛。人需要表达，或者被看见吧。

表达也可以是疏解，而不是需要被看见的show。毕竟我已经要奔四了，人生大半已过。那些淤积心中的委屈、经年不散的纠结、日积月累的愤恨不满，也该到了慢慢回看，逐一化解的时候了。是否能化解、化解到何种程度未知，也是往下人生的一点点值得期待的未知。

总的来说，我将开始为我的死亡做准备：我希望能化解自己、身边人的失望、愤怒和痛苦，咱们永远也别再轮回中遭遇；我希望如有轮回，让我烟消云散，脱离这轮回，惟亘古黑夜长存。

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